it felt like mental gymnastics

*slightly self-indulgent post ahead. readers are warned.

in the last month or so, something exciting was happening in my uni life - i was applying for a place in the SEP programme. which is pretty much the max amount of academic excitment we can get:) i had been looking forward to applying, and hopefully going, since many moons ago. blame the elder sis for having such great fun during her uni years:)

but as it turned out, the month was one of my most mentally stressful months in its own right. i had some difficulty deciding on the unis and somehow messed up my application's study plans [had to humbly email the dean's office to get them to unlock it]. not to mention the tedious-ness of the personal essay writing in which i somehow couldnt articulate my reasons for wanting to go overseas.

but most of the "stress" didnt come from there. due to certain rather complex circumstances, i found myself in a position i hardly want to re-live again. i never thought so hard and brutally at myself, and questioned my motives and decisions. and i got so annoyed with myself and the pressure around. although looking back, i think that i perhaps complicated matters needlessly for myself. talking it through with people helped a little but the answers/advice offered didnt satisfy me enough. but a good thing perhaps, i prayed. alot.

the application has been handed in already. along the way things started to clear up in my head making things easier. im not sure if i will be successful with my application and im trusting God to make that decision for me. and if i am, the chances of me landing somewhere alone is pretty high - a particularly scary yet really exciting thought now. but that shall only be dealt with if i get a place.

why the blogpost and why only now?
i didnt trust myself to blog properly about it previously - emotions too high-strung [this sounds so strong] and my usual objective self/mind went on a vacation. some friends can attest that i was a wreck for a couple of days trying to sort through the many thoughts and confusions inside this brain of mine. but having survived it, i feel it right to remember what has happened. i think God has done his work in the whole situation and i thank Him for it. and also to the people who heard me whine and ventilate my frustrations, thank you for the ears:)

and now im really just trusting Him for the outcome.