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Saturday, April 29, 2006

the angst-ridden life


have been reading the blogs of my students recently. the wonders [and the dangers] of blogging:) i just do a search and everything is in front of me.


the amount of angst they splatter on their blogs is simply AMAZING. i cannot help but cringe and roll my eyes at the self pity some of them display. nothing against them but i cannot help but need to make an opinion about it.


many of them write about the same things - daily stuff that happen in school, problems they face everyday and endless b****ing about people. im sorry that i just had to use that word. it is a little tiring to plough through everything but i do..wanting to see what is life like for each of them, through their eyes.


i see complaints, whiny entries, childish anger/hatred and self pity. life sounds sooo miserable for each of them. i take everything with a tablespoonful of salt but still these things bother me. i know that most times, things are definitely not as bad as they put it but the language they use and the things they want to do...


perhaps the question now is "why is this so?" not just regarding my students but most teenagers in general. why is there the necessity to fill that webpage with endless swearing, trashy words and the "i hate________"? and the best thing..they want others to read what they write! after all the sometimes nasty things that are plastered right in the face of the reader. i still cannot reconcile that. much as you have the 'right' to write watever you want and however young you are, blogging is not that.


the things which 'disturbs' me the most. the fact that many of them talk about being a child of God too. thats nice and good. but if within the same sentence you spew your angst out and yet somehow include the name of God.. what are you trying to say? what kind of a testimony are you trying to represent of yourself and of the One you proclaim to believe in? [im sorry if i sound judgemental and angsty here] i have to admit that i am indignant, angry even.


it is possible to be fuming and yet not lose your head. you could be angry but still civil with the things you write. there is a way to tell others that you disagree strongly without having to insert vulgar words into your arguement. go figure a way out. ranting and raving is definitely not the way to do it.


*o well..had to get this out of my system. and all of you who read this is the accidental audience:)

1:38 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, April 28, 2006

NUS here i come:)

8:44 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

hobbling on one foot


sprained my foot today!
*at least so far i think its just a bad sprain [so does wei shieng:)]


-the whole dramatic story-
wasnt in school in the morning cos of my interview
hadn't planned to go for the staff cip that afternoon
at an elderly home


after the interview..
smsed a fellow relief teacher that i was coming
on the train ride there..had a change of mind
*alot of details here
BUT i was to go for it in the end [to replace a sick teacher]


met the group in the home itself
got down to learning the steps from scratch
lots of fumbling and re-tries later..i kinda got the hang of things


after practice it was interaction with the residents of the home
i was a little..ok REALLY handicapped
chinese not good at all..dialect proficiency non existent
then time for our item:)


ran-walked up the steps at the side of the stage
missed a step, took a tumble, slipper flew off..
and you can guess the rest..
now left with a sprained left foot
and i didnt even get to dance!
major SIGH
spent the rest of the day sitting or hobbling barefooted
*my flats broke!


wasnt the ankle that got "damaged"
but rather the top of the foot between the toes and the ankle
quite alot of pain and swelling
have done the ice-ing and applied 'counterpain'
if not better..going to the sinseh tmr i think


people i have to really thank
God: that it isnt a fracture, a bad sprain only
rachel and athena: for carrying me [seriously!] down the ramp.
*i wanted to hop down but everyone refused to allow me
the other relief techers/nie trainees: for getting the ice and many other things
mrs chew: for sending me home even though it was out of the way

7:51 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Sunday, April 23, 2006

im so afraid i will screw up


the above pretty much means what it says


having slight jitters regarding tomorrow
its the first time i am going for such a formal interview
the thought is sooo overwhelming


things to rem
-to speak s l o w l y, very s l o w l y
-to try and look as if i am in the know of MOE related things
-to be polite, articulate and well groomed:)
-to be truthful, as much as possible at least
-to relax and be myself and of cos to breathe:)


my interview is at 1215 tmr!
ARGH!


but the question i really need to ask myself is...
"do i really want this award?"
in the sense of "do i really want to teach?"
i still dun know the answer actually
conflicting thoughts and well-meaning words of wisdom all inside me
sigh..


but the most most most important question...
"Is this in the perfect plan that God has for me?"


you are the potter, i am the clay.
mould me and make me.
this is what i pray...

9:12 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, April 22, 2006

the surprise that was and somemore


it was supposed to be a simple lunch with erica
it turned out to be a gathering for the 4 of us:)


dunno how they planned the whole thing
it was sooo surprising to see the other 2 of them:)
i totally didnt expect it!
and no..i didnt break down in tears or something


thanks erica, sam and bonnie for:
-the surprise
-the various presents, even the ear rings which i wont use now
-the treat at spizza:)
-the time together yakking at coffeebean
-the erm..at least 4 years of sisterhood:)


*BIG BIG hugs to each of you:)


and..to those who have been smsing birthday wishes..
thanks lots too:)


most importantly..
i wanna thank my King for
-life itself, my 19 years of existence
-great family, friends and people around me
-dying that i may live:)
-forgiving all the horrible things i do

5:30 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Thursday, April 20, 2006

baking in the oven


school decided to 'celebrate' earth day in advance
by acting as if global warming has overtaken our world
which means...


NO aircons and fans!!


from start of school till almost 11..


went to school this morning to a slightly altered staffroom
the windows opened, cooling devices switched off
not too bad at first
just that the stillness of the air was a little not so nice


as the day wore on and got progressively hotter..
people started complaining
borrowing baby powder to keep cool
making paper fans from scrap paper
and counting down to 1050


"29 more mins to go"
"3 more mins to go!"


*chime goes off signalling 1050am


"YEAH! finally..."
plus a whole lot of other shouts of jublilation
IMMEDIATELY all the fans and aircons were switched on
and..it was bliss:)


[imagine..the original plan was till 145pm!]

5:42 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Monday, April 17, 2006

did i make the right decision?


somehow whatever resolve i had to go into teaching is waning
people are telling me that its not a wise decision


presenting the whole thing analysed gp style


-the problem/situation-
i am going for 2 interviewst[ref to previous entry]. talked to my vp the other day and she gave me some advice from a 'wise old man'. told another teacher and got a pretty explosive [in a 'bad' way] response.


-the good about the award-
i have a job when i leave uni
i dun need to really worry about what to study in uni
teaching is a respectable career
i like working with people
desk jobs would kill me
my uni education would be kinda paid for


-the bad-
my choice of subjects would be very limited
my career path for the next 4 years at least is fixed
i may suddenly decide to do something else
bad teachers are really bad


* feel free to add on the lists if you want. it will probably be true


i will go for the interviews. and i will be as honest as i can.
the results shall be up to God

8:53 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, April 15, 2006

a little too much excitement


2 more bombshells today
have been shortlisted [like everyone else?] for 2 interviews!
one for the moe teaching award
and the other for ntu-nie
and they are only going to be 2 days apart!


help!!


im like all excited and nervous and apprehensive
suddenly everything is getting more tangible
no longer can i say that i'll wait for replies
no longer can i take things easy in a way
things are definitely moving along..


was just on the phone with agnes
she gave some very good advice:)
obviously right? having been through them..


in other news..
easter skit tmr:)
and according to esther..
she cant bear to watch me act in it


chapel service in pl on wed
have to lead 4 chapel sessions on that day!
dunno how i am going to do it
pls help me pray for strength
cos wed is my busiest day in terms of teaching workload too


so..my packed schedule for the month [not all are "bad"]
-16th april: easter sunday skit. py coming:)
-19th april: chapel session
-20th april: cd selling in school
-21st april: lunch with erica:)
-22nd april: sec 1 pupil profiling [have to be there]
-24th april: moe interview [may take day off from work]
-25th april: cip for my form class [have to follow them]
-26th april: staff cip, nie interview
-27th april: teachers' DISC session
-29th april: west side story with aunt and younger sis:)
-30th april: tentative movie with py
*church tution every sat


phew..


pls pray for me
- that i would really have the strength to do everything
- that i will keep to my hot date with God every night
- i would not knowingly or unknowingly neglect anything
- no burnout or major illnesses
thanks:)

10:29 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, April 14, 2006

the way of suffering


-Via Dolorosa-
Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soldiers tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
A Man condemned to die on Calvary


He was bleeding from a beating, there were stripes upon His back
And He wore a crown of thorns upon His head
And He bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for His death


[chorus]
Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King,
And He chose to walk that road out ofHis love for you and me.
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.


The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way through the heart of Jerusalem.


this song never fails to make me think about the pain Christ went through for us all. another song that i love is "How deep the Father's love for us" the poignancy and words in each song really grips the heart.


they include the fact that Christ died bearing all the scorn and mockery of the world. imagine the King of the universe dying a death fit only for the worst criminal! Whenever i sing these songs, they just compell me to stop and think of the significance of the words. and the depth of love Christ had.


whats more, i was one of them who asked for the death of Christ, metaphorically speaking of course. as the words of one song goes " it was my sin that held him there..." each of us has a part in the passion of Christ. each of all our sins were placed on Him till it was accomplished. each of us has the chance to accept gift of eternal life through this divine act of love.


He knew that his ultimate purpose on this earth was to restore the broken relationship between God and man. He lived the life of a blameless, sinless human being while being subjected to all the temptations and woes of living on earth. He struggled with the mammoth task awaiting him while on the mount of olives. yet he walked down the way of suffering like a lamb, for you and me.


whenever anyone talks about the crucifying of Christ, they never fail to bring up and expound on the physical pain he went through. from the flogging, to the crown of thorns, to the nailing of his feet and hands and finally the hours of toturous hanging on the cross. all that is true and from that we have the word 'excruciating' which literally "means out of the cross". i have promised myself to never take that word lightly again


but i speculate that for Christ the worst pain was the moment when God turned his face away. the instant Christ took upon all the sin of the world, the instant he become "unholy" while he was completing his final and most important task on earth, the Father left him alone. God in all of his holiness cannot tolerate one bit sin had to look away. imagine the the terrible feeling of loss and abandonment in that moment. for all the good that he was doing for us, he was forsaken for that. and the words continue to ring even today " My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"


Christ went through so much to redeem the nations. God who is just is also loving. that is why he gave his son up for the world. what is our response to that?


would we fall on our knees and worship him till the end of time? would we accept this gift gratefully and then go our way again? would we despise this gift and refuse to take it? would we take it and accord it as a right to have? would we take it humbly and tell others about it and its wonderful goodness?


and a little thing about good friday to watch out for. it will definitely rain! since the time this little piece of trivia was told to me, i have always remembered to check if it will rain. it is like my little test of God's faithfulness. and im glad to say..he has never failed:) and for the record. its pouring even as i am blogging this.
try it out yourself:)

10:31 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Thursday, April 13, 2006

busy as a bee


been going home late the past few days
have to drag myself out of bed in the mornings
cant wait for tmr to come
finally can wake up late:)


but i am mostly liking what i have been busy with
the prac for the easter skit which ended super late
the running around school regarding crosslink stuff
the meeting up with friends
the teaching and preparing of lessons
even the incinerator trip yesterday
*never seen so trash in my life!


and...
i just heard weird things about margarine from a teacher
you dun want to know what i just heard
but im never going to touch it again!

8:53 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Monday, April 10, 2006

why we love Him?


because..
- It just feels like the right thing to do
- He died for us, the most painful and terrible death
- He is God, we have to love Him
- We want Him to love us back


which is your answer?
which is the right answer?
is there even a right answer?

4:37 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, April 08, 2006

hilarity at a new level


went chocolate shopping with my cousin
and it was so comical lah:)


-the scene-
choosing our chocs, he deliberated over crunchie and snickers
finally chooses snickers
we go and pay
he walks back to the chocolate shelf while i pay
i see he has changed his mind


-the dialogue-
jane: hey..you changed your snickers
cousin: huh..my sneakers very nice what?
jane o_O stunned! huh? i mean your choc lah!
cousin: ohhh..*sheepish grin*


hahahahaha
*dun kill me my cousin. i protected your identity:)

9:38 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Thursday, April 06, 2006

a day in sentosa

*another blog entry done in the staffroom:)


followed the whole group to sentosa today:)
it was okkk i guess


being teachers
we didnt have anything strenous to do
basically we were there to 'jaga' everything


was paired up with my sec 1 chinese teacher
she with her marking and me with my book
but we ended up talking half the time:)
me in my broken chinese, and she in pretty good english
it was an enjoyable time:)


halfway..
we went to meet another teacher for a 'break'
at..ben and jerry's!
we are such 'enjoy life' people right?


hmm..in school now [2255pm]
spending the night in school
sleeping with the other teachers..eeks

10:47 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

where have all the teachers gone?


first time im blogging in the staffroom
cos its like quite empty
and i really dun have much [really!] to do
so not feeling so/as guilty:)


whole school in the midst of innovation week
everyone except the sec 4s
who have to continue with lessons [reads have no life]
the rest are off lessons for 6 days in total!
for special programmes, learning journeys and camps
so good life right?


sec 3 teachers and girls off to camp in a corner of spore
the not too unfamiliar corner for most of us
jalan batera [right spelling?] campsite:)
hope they have fun there


sec 1 girl are having their camp in school
can hear/see them running around
just got carried round a bball court by a class[1e1]
it was hilarious lah:)
they being so "kan cheong" and yet afraid to injure me
i was more afraid that they would hurt themselves!
haha:)


nothing much to do around
planning lessons, marking books, playing badminton:)
had a round of that with 5 other teachers:)
it was so so so fun, and funny for that matter
seeing the little quirks that each teacher had
so slacker right..hehe


tomorrow will be a different thing though
have to go to sentosa with the girls
help out in the talent night and have to stay over
first time going for such a time as a teacher
hmm..wonder what it will be like..


have a lollipop and a tronky bar on my table now:)
the good things about being a teacher..yummy..
[they were given by teachers not students]
shall spare you the explanation though


if this post sounds really incoherent
i dun balame you
i left the page on the whole day
and came back at intervals to update:)

12:24 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Sunday, April 02, 2006

the funny way He works


after that entry yesterday
i got a little something from God..


i have been tasked to lead youth sunday worship!!
yup..during the main services on youth sunday
its like the biggest bombshell ever..


God certainly has a sense of humour
as if He is telling me that since i often feel inadequate
He is giving me more practice

9:50 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, April 01, 2006

making melody in my heart


most of you would know that by and large i am music illiterate. in that i dont and cannot play any musical instrument. it doesnt help that my other siblings do..some multiple instruments even. [i say this merely as a matter of fact, not in envy]


went for the 'expresso' concert by mgs last night with bonnie. it was a night of nice performances and lots of screaming. i did enjoy myself watching:) from dances to singing to major jamming from electrico. it helped that i knew some girls who were performing:)


everytime i watch someone play a musical instrument, especially the piano, i would wonder what the difference would have been if i didnt choose to drop piano previously. a little backgound into the whole thing..i didnt like our piano teacher and hence decided to 'boycott' in my own way. i was only 9 then! eventually my parents allowed me to stop learning. and i never picked it up again.


do i regret the decision now? well..if i am brutally honest with myself, the answer would be 'in a way yes'. especially when i watch concerts and see people playing their instruments with ease. a little part of myself would tell me that i could have done the same too if i had only persevered. maybe[obviously] not play as well, but erm..good enough?


i actually feel this the strongest in church. mostly when i have to lead worship and hence have worship practice. many times, i end up feeling a little erm..'inferior'. everyone else is able to catch cues and stuff with ease while i have to struggle with them sometimes. of course things are getting better as i am getting more experience in this area:) its really learning through practice:)


but who can i blame right? after all i made the choice. my parents could have insisted that i continued but they allowed me to make the decision. before that they warned me that in stopping the lessons, i would be in the minority of people who are 'music illiterate'. i knew all that and still made the choice. a choice that largely was made out of sheer laziness and unwillingness to be discipline enough to practice. hehe


despite this..im glad to say that i dont think that i have lost out much too. there is much more to life than music. i have always accepted the fact that i cannot play any instrument, and canot really appreciate it too. oddly enough, even if the chance to learn is offered again, i think i would not do it. its just that im so used to being what i am now. i envy people from time to time and occasionally wish i can do the same but at the end of the day, im happy the way i am now. perhaps the strongest greivance would be that i am a very uneducated audience during music concerts and such. but i can deal wth that:) just act smart lor:) haha


thankfully, worshipping God entails alot more than the music. and that i can still worship him without fanciful and fabulous music. i guess because of this, and my love for the english langauge, the lyrics of the songs take centerstage for me. [im not saying that to like the music is wrong] so praise God for accepting worship in all forms:)



Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.
psalms 150:6

9:30 AM
heaven in a wildflower