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Thursday, November 29, 2007

skepticism

my mom went for some food cum health talk today
and she came back with alot of new/newly repackaged info
which, being the good mother she is, had to be shared
of course it made for good dinner conversation
but i soon found myself disagreeing with the stuff she was saying
not that they are untrue per se, more like its not possible to do it
and i realised what a skeptic i have become [not a good thought]
and of course i started wondering why..

and i think it's partly due to the nature and society module!
watching all those videos have made me realise life isnt that simple
and helped breed this sense of skepticism about all adverts and such
not a totally bad thing but it ain't good either

and thinking further..
i realised i also have been becoming more skeptical towards God/the faith
perhaps its growing up and the proactive thinking
not a bad thing but that isnt a good thing either
sometimes i really wish for a childlike faith again

*edit*
[as there has been some activity on my tagboard, i decided to add on to this post]

its so easy to be skeptical. it really is.
perhaps education compounds the problem
but i guess as people we have too little faith sometimes

and as i have been reminded, it's as crucial to seek answers for the questions
questions only of value if they serve as catalysts for answers
apologetics [christian jargon] or not, formal or casual discussions
its the process of searching when truths are uncovered

10:29 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

the world is pretty amazing

really it is:)
i wasnt sure about too many questions in the first exam
but if there is one thing i really went away with this module
is that the world is really amazing
and that the God behind it all must be even better

and for the second one
somehow my favorite phrase to use was "human agency"
i was right under the nose of the lecturer cos of my seat
not a fun place to be cos, among other things, you hear their whispers

2 done and hopefully i'll do alright

11:32 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, November 24, 2007

its official

told the tution kids i wont be teaching again next year
after 2 years of, its quite sad to leave [albeit not forever]

i see alot of worth in this ministry and i plan to return to it
just a matter of 'when' i guess
although they have officially put me down as only taking a break for a year

9:38 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, November 23, 2007

revised: the label[s] which i respond to

a certain 17 years old cousin on my dad's side recently started a blog. so..being the good cousin, i hopped [or rather "mouse-d"?] over and left my mark on her tagboard - name, blog add and a nice short comment. a couple of days later, i revisited it and to my amusement, she linked me as "siyun" aka my chinese name. i am quite tickled by it but its really not a surprise.. as it turns out, its more or less the catalyst for this rather needless, lighthearted post which serves no purpose except for some self-entertainment, and escape from exams.

but anyways, it got me thinking about the names i use and respond to..
1. my full name [not putting it for obvious reasons] all sorts of official matters or trips to the doctor i think.

2. jane - as im known to the vast majority of people. "gripes" about people's reactions to and jokes made at the expense of it shall be dealt with in a separate post. its quite funny at times though.

3. siyun - hmm..chinese lessons i guess. and its more used on my dad's side which is slightly more chinese-speaking[esp the uncles and aunties generation]. and which explains the above little anecdote even among the younger ones. i think its also cos most of my cousins do not have english names so we sometimes just all laspse into the chinese names.

4. yun - this name is strictly for family use and is well..out of bounds for non-family. my own family uses the 2nd syllable of our chinese names at home/to each other often causing some confusion for outsiders and friends. i think its roots started from my materal grandmother being afraid of mispronouncing our english names. but anyhow, i see this as a term of endearment and only a select few are allowed to use it. i think my siblings may have different opinions for themselves.

5. janey/janie - as a couple of jc friends call me sometimes. i figure its kind of cute and its not often that a nickname is longer than the real one.

6. kbof - py coined it back in jc 2 when we were supposed to be studying for our A levels. see if you can solve it to see how i refers to me. more or less an msn nick only although some friends use it. plus i conveniently use it for a couple of internet accounts.

7. u06****x/u06***** - for exam papers when thats all i have been reduced to. for random other nus matters too.

added after a reminder from esther. cant believe i forgot.
8. er jie - translates into 'second sister' [when there is that many sisters, a heirarchy is necessary] and this is how my 2 younger siblings address me. yup only those 2 people in the world so technically its strictly for family use only.

and this added in after erica's reminder. man..my memory is zilch.
9. ms lim - when i was working. and this is a name/label i havent really gotten used to yet. in BA this year, the principal would try to call me that and i wont respond but once she switches to 'jane' she gets my attention! but i will have plenty of time getting used to it once i start teaching.

10. esotericmind - *how could i forget this!!* a bastardised version of my email address and K my vcf cg leader started calling me that after being so intrigued by it. and his usual words of welcome would be "hi..is the esotericmind feeling esoteric today?" the vcfers dun use it but a substantial number knows it refers to me cos of vcf arts welcome tea.

at final count its at least 10. [poke me if i have left out anymore but i pray no more are lurking around] it seems so excessive looking at all that now. but ah well..official names/labels are definitely here to stay and as for the rest, i guess they are nice for variety:)

11:36 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Monday, November 19, 2007

it felt like mental gymnastics

*slightly self-indulgent post ahead. readers are warned.

in the last month or so, something exciting was happening in my uni life - i was applying for a place in the SEP programme. which is pretty much the max amount of academic excitment we can get:) i had been looking forward to applying, and hopefully going, since many moons ago. blame the elder sis for having such great fun during her uni years:)

but as it turned out, the month was one of my most mentally stressful months in its own right. i had some difficulty deciding on the unis and somehow messed up my application's study plans [had to humbly email the dean's office to get them to unlock it]. not to mention the tedious-ness of the personal essay writing in which i somehow couldnt articulate my reasons for wanting to go overseas.

but most of the "stress" didnt come from there. due to certain rather complex circumstances, i found myself in a position i hardly want to re-live again. i never thought so hard and brutally at myself, and questioned my motives and decisions. and i got so annoyed with myself and the pressure around. although looking back, i think that i perhaps complicated matters needlessly for myself. talking it through with people helped a little but the answers/advice offered didnt satisfy me enough. but a good thing perhaps, i prayed. alot.

the application has been handed in already. along the way things started to clear up in my head making things easier. im not sure if i will be successful with my application and im trusting God to make that decision for me. and if i am, the chances of me landing somewhere alone is pretty high - a particularly scary yet really exciting thought now. but that shall only be dealt with if i get a place.

why the blogpost and why only now?
i didnt trust myself to blog properly about it previously - emotions too high-strung [this sounds so strong] and my usual objective self/mind went on a vacation. some friends can attest that i was a wreck for a couple of days trying to sort through the many thoughts and confusions inside this brain of mine. but having survived it, i feel it right to remember what has happened. i think God has done his work in the whole situation and i thank Him for it. and also to the people who heard me whine and ventilate my frustrations, thank you for the ears:)

and now im really just trusting Him for the outcome.

11:49 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, November 17, 2007

my blog readership

for most part, my readers are relatively silent
save for friends who tag

but when i blog something slighty out of character
i get an explosion of people asking [tags, msn] me whats it about
i find it faintly amusing:)

9:54 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, November 16, 2007

human relations

circumstances make you closer
plus you realise the person makes a really great friend
so you become good friends who enjoy each other's company

but things arent always so straightforward
and sometimes it seems more appropriate to hold back a little
plus time scale plays a certain part too
i believe such caution would be beneficial for the long run

and for those who are speculating..
it has nothing to do with a guy
you have my word

1:05 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Monday, November 12, 2007

my busy weekend

-g3 phase 1 retreat
has alot of fun and laughter
phase 1 is over:(
i'll miss my team mates and mentor
and now its just to confirm my attendance for phase 2

-youth com meeting the next morning
SE, WW and i went for it together feeling all sleep deprived
it was a mighty long meeting
but it wasnt that bad lah..just that some people are so long winded

-church 110th anniversary service
i rushed home at 3[50m away from our meeting location:)]
bathed, dressed up and flew out of the house again
couple of us cabbed there together
reached spore conference hall
and the service was soooo celebratory:)
the tambourine dancers were really good!
although i confess i dozed a little during the sermon [too tired lah]

-110th anniversary dinner
98 tables in all
it was like a massive wedding dinner of some sorts
we kids were having a time of our lives visiting various tables:)
but truely God has been very good to fmc the past many many years

6:08 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, November 09, 2007

thanks lah...

was folding clothes with my brother.
we talking abt random stuff.
i made a comment abt a friend of his.

me: she ah..not as simple [as in good girl] as she looks
he:aiyah..she wants attention lah. she is the second child you know
me: i am a 2nd child too what!! i am not like that
he: aiyah..you are a different 2nd child. you are a OLD generation 2nd child leh
[emphasis mine]

hmmph..

7:42 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Thursday, November 08, 2007

i survived:)

yup i survived night cycling:)
quite big a deal considering i havent exercised in ages
although im paying for it with aches in places i never realised existed
and a very extremely sore bottom

-route [as i remember it]
east coast park to indoor stadium
indoor stadium to some random park to play candle war
park to kallang riverside park connectors
and on to 1 fullerton [for a toilet break]
1 fullerton to s-m-u kopitiam [for supper]
and back to ECP via a rather large detour with rest stops

we started at abt 11pm and ended past 430am
reached home at 5 plus,bathed and i slept at around 6
woke up at abt 1140am [another first for me!]

there is a certain exhilaration cycling on the roads
with the starts at the traffic lights and cycling diagonally across lanes
plus cars were relatively sparse
but it could get very scary at times too
there were moments when seriously its a miracle we were unhurt
well..most of us somehow believed we owned the roads i guess:)

its was quite tiring
and my muscles were cramping up from the sudden increase in use
plus actions such as straining on tip-toe while waiting - cross roads and stuff
thank God for kerbs:) although trying to cycle down them is really nasty
i nearly flew off the bike when i tried to do it and since learnt my lesson
the final leg of the route was quite mental for me already
but i guess it was a case of 'just keep moving'
and erm..lots of praying - "God..help me survive this!"

i am rather pleased with how my group turned out
and how we did have fun and some camaraderie was there
but its interesting that although night cycling is largely a group activity
most of the time you are actually alone
so i spent quite a bit of time thinking and analysing stuff
although most havent been cast in stone yet

at least its something i know now that i can do:)

2:42 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

in the nutshell

The most destructive habit....... ........ ......Worry
The greatest Joy......... ........ ........ ....Giving
The greatest loss........ .......Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work........ ......Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....... .....Selfishness
The most endangered species..... ...Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.... ........ ..Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........ ..Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.... ........ ....Fear
The most effective sleeping pill........ Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease..... .......Excuses
The most powerful force in life........ ......... .Love
The most dangerous pariah...... ........ ...A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain
The worst thing to be without..... ........ ..... Hope
The deadliest weapon...... ........ .......The tongue
The two most power filled words....... ........"I Can"
The greatest asset....... ........ ........ .....Faith
The most worthless emotion..... ........ ....Self- pity
The most beautiful attire...... ........ .......SMILE!
The most prized possession.. ........ .....Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication. ....Prayer
The most contagious spirit...... ........ ..Enthusiasm
The most important person in life........ ......... .the Almighty GOD

chanced upon this one someone's blog
and well..if we remember all that
i think life will really be alot simpler

11:00 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Sunday, November 04, 2007

big family dinner

a livewire of a cousin-in-law
and a budding stand-up comedian of a nephew [with an eternal love for ducks]
makes for very good dinner entertainment:)

toilet adventures for the day helped too
and my brother had to play escort for his sisters
we walk, at a certain point "ok, hold your breath now" and we walk more
process is repeated on the return leg of the epic journey

we 3 girls played big-girl dress up for the event
basically agnes dug up nice clothes from her HUGE supply for us
and proclaimed us worthy of public viewing
we ended up a tad overdressed but who cares?

the birthday boy turns 67 today:)

i would love to include a really funny conversation
but there were just too many and too complicated to reproduce
so a very tiny snippet:)
*K's love for ducks was blurted out to us by his granddad
someone: so K, since you like ducks, you must like donald duck right
K: *with a look of disgust* nooo...he's so bad tempered!

10:51 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, November 02, 2007

speech patterns

one of my great faults is that of speaking too fast
i rattle off like a train especially when im excited
friends and family are largely tuned to processing my words faster
but if im talking to a stranger and i forget to slow down..
the person usually has to ask me to repeat myself

and if that isnt bad enough
i have been having a cold the past week
which equals to a stuffed up nose and a sore throat

and which means i now speak too fast with a slightly hoarse and nasal voice
the perfect recipe for not being understood at all

3:38 PM
heaven in a wildflower