fears

* in no order of level of fearfulness

- getting swell-ly eyes. its seriously no joke when it happens. so i have been really paranoid abt eating new meds/food. i'll gingerly eat a pill/piece, wait an hour or so before deciding can take it safely in future. and if something causes me to show the slightest sign of swelling/ itchy eyes i can never eat that for forever.

- decaying teeth. i never had a cavity in my life [and intend to keep it this way] but the picture the dental nurse in primary school used to show really scared me. there was this one particular photo that stood out [absolutely vile looking teeth] and since then i always made sure i brushed my teeth properly. the recent wisdom tooth episode sealed the fear.

- getting cancer/some dreadful illness or some major accident. i know it isnt a "sure die" thing but the thought is just frightening. plus i cannot take painkillers. this is probably a sign that i have been watching too much ER on the television.

- lizards crawling down me. it happened once when i was abt 7 or 8 and i think i screamed bloody murder then. their tiny claws send a disgusting sensation down your bare skin. plus that the stuff that mothers always say abt pests and the dirty and germs-breeding dustbins.

- flying in airplanes. simple reason - there is nothing between the plane and the ground-too-far-away if anything goes wrong. im not the kind who is too freaked out to let go of the arm rest at all but i hate the feeling of the plane rocking up there. i think i pray the hardest in the air. the recent uk trip was a pretty good example.

- things dropping and breaking. not afraid per se just dun like the high-pitched "piang" sound when it happens. when i was little and i knew something fell and was going to shatter, i'll immediately cover my ears with my hands and attempt to block out the noise.

- roller coasters. i dun relish the feeling of having left my heart and stomach on the tracks. when i was 9 [young and stupidly garang] i sat 2 roller coaster rides in the genting highlands. i never took another ride since then.

- losing my loved ones. i havent lost any close family member/friend thus far and i really do not want to. i have no idea was finality feels like.

and perhaps the greatest fear of all..

having God look at me and tell me He didnt know me at all even though i have been doing stuff in his name. [matt 7:21-23] a scene that has been drummed into my head during church sermons. its a very very scary thought and i shudder at the possibility of it. havent really figured out what is it to do for me to be sure, really sure.