i am a flower quickly fading

Monday, January 30, 2006

food for the mind and heart

just watched the latest jack neo's show " i not stupid too". what can i say but its brilliant stuff:)

the issues in the show really stuck close to home. guess i can personally identify with some - spacing out when my parents nag and doing badly for chinese. other things like the gang business and public caning..well no experience in those. but..im motivated to blog about the show[not spoilers per se] and my views/thoughts of it.

a major theme running through was the apparent lack of love between the parents and their children. the way the this 'problem' was depicted seems pretty accurate. perhaps its because of the strong asian, chinese in particular, culture that we are in. a culture where parental or familial love is hardly said explicitly or shown on purpose. instead, many parents rather express their love through the doing of things - buying what their childeren want and of course, through the scoldings that many dish out liberally. nothing wrong per se but a tad too many chidings can seriously irk anyone. it was so painful seeing the father in the show try to love his son in a way that his son could understand. yet, try as he might, his efforts were largely futile. in the end, he did so in the only way he knew, by beating up his son who got into big trouble. like said in the movie " he loved his son too much but he also didnt know how to love his son at all."

my personal thoughts on that: i come from a typical chinese family. what i mean by that, look above. i know that my parents love each of us alot but they are not forthcoming with the affections. that said, i admit to act in the same way. emotional stuff is not a hallmark of our household. [do not misunderstand, i do not say this to mean anything negative at all.] i was caned as a child, each of us siblings were. of course there was the usual anger and hatred at the various points of time but i know now that they did everything out of love.[i know this sounds really cliched but its the truth]

another thing that i think is so blog-worthy is all the hype on public caning that the show created. yep..the infamous sence when 'Tom' got caned. well..my own stand is that since it has been in the system for so long and the vast majority has emerged none the worse for wear, let things be. parents worrying that their children who watched who be emotionally scarred seems a little out of point to me. but..i have to admit that having been in a girls school for most of my education years has prevented me from witnessing an actual case. hence, i do feel a little inadequate to fully give an opinion on the matter. i know that my mom, a teacher by profession, personally believes that public caning is never the best way to solve things.

many other issues were covered in the show - the rift between generations, the lure of acceptance that gangs offer, the rigidity of systems and regulations, the struggle between work and responsibilties at home...i think jack neo really nailed it. there was a mix of the downright humourous and the poignantly heartwrenching that was tuned to sit well with the general breed of people[a 'rojak' of english, chinese and hokkien]. what i really liked was that the show was accessible and it really helped in bringing the show closer to the viewer. of course, the cast did a wonderful job:) at the expense of sounding as if i am a fan of him, i really think that jack neo has outdid himself this time.

yep..just what was in my mind after watching the show. go catch the show too, i think it is worth the money.

10:40 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, January 28, 2006

traditions rules

the annual cleaning frenzy
the annual flaring of tempers
the annual rush to prepare food for reunion dinner
the annual steamboat and copious leftovers
the annual red packet in the pillow
the annual dressing up for the first day
the annual house hopping
the annual popiah and overeating
the annual catching-up sessions with cousins
the annual second day lunch at grandma's house
the annual second round of overeating
the annual 'yu sheng' feasting
the annual counting of the money collected
the annual reluctance to return to normal life

chinese new year
a festival of traditions indeed:)

9:21 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

good old advice

when to start a relationship
what to name my kids
how to make sure they dun turn out as spoiled brats
blah blah blah

thats one thing about working with 30 to 40+ year old women
you seriously get plenty of advice
basically its child rearing cum marriage 101
well meaning and sincere no doubt
but generally im like.."okkk"

my standard answer..
"we'll see when the time comes."

5:21 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, January 21, 2006

fishing

a girl sits with her fishing rod
her bait is set in place
now all she can do is to wait

she sits idle, growing a little bored
wonders when the fishes would start coming
or would she go home hungry?

she feels a little tug on the rod
excitement grows and she lifts the line to peek
a tiny fish hangs there

disappointment fills and she sighs
yet she is thankful for with she has
now she has food for lunch

her line back in place she begins to eat
quite surprisingly, she enjoys the meat
nothing ever really tasted that good

the line gives a stronger shake
she is startled but brings in the line
a bigger, better fish hangs on it

now she is confused
should she continue eating the tiny fish
or does the better one deserve all the attention?

*thanks to erica for starting the 'fish' analogy. sometimes it really helps to "objectify" problems cos it gives you a newer prespective to it. o well..wish me luck, going for an interview at pl next monday.

12:35 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

visited chinatown today with the kindergarten kids
it was a whole school excursion kind of event
cos the class i am with had an adult[(grand)parent/maid] follow each child
i was deployed to help with a nursery class instead
so it was 7 kids to the 2 teachers and i:)
pretty good ratio i must say

it was an eye-opener for me like all of them
[think i have visited the place less than 3 times in the 18 years]
walking along the streets , stopping at shops to look
teachers pointing out the delights of cny
getting 'free samples' from the friendly vendors
i felt like a little kid again:)

despite all its "tackiness" and tiresome traditions sometimes
i admit that i do enjoy chinese new year
not just because of the angpows
but the yummilicious food and the nice stuff that comes along:)
and..im looking forward to it again:)

and..its another trip to chinatown tmr
for the afternoon session kids

4:04 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Monday, January 16, 2006

the power of whining

i kicked agnes out of the cg!
and jiejie if you happen to read this..*sheepish grin*

-last week-
found out that agnes and i were in the same cellgroup
i started complaining/whining
i dunno..but i dun like to be with my siblings in such groups
its ironic but it cos we are so close[in every sense]
o well..i didnt intent to kick her out of it at all!

-yesterday-
james informed me that they relocated agnes *happy*
but..it seems that i ruined the strategy for tms quiz
o well..we'll see when it comes:)

*in case you were wondering, i do love agnes very much:)

4:18 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

bits and pieces

having a love-hate relationship with the rain
love it's coolness, the smell
and the sound of drizzling rain
hate the wetting of my pants sometimes up to my knees!
and the fact that it bred mould on my shoes

i thought that leaving ny meant my long walks would cease
well..i was so wrong
walking the same route these days to work, albeit shorter

still havent figured out how excessive crying makes you puke
always thought they were independent of each other
or maybe its just perculiar to young kids?

i still cannot get over paying adult fares on public transport
sigh..gotten spoilt on concession fares in the past

just realised something 'funny' about me..
i 'teach' pre nursery[abt 3 years] from monday to friday
help out in pri 3 church neighbourhood tution
and tutor my sec 3 brother in science
whats with my afinity with the number 3?

and..for the record
i just realised that this post is incredibly self centered.

9:11 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Sunday, January 08, 2006

not a lucky charm

*fingers itching to blog about something serious so decided to share my thoughts on an issue that has been on my mind for a while.

how may of us wear crosses on ourselves? any kind - as a piece of jewellery, accessory/keychain or even as prints on our clothes. do we really understand the significance of that tiny 'thing' that we wear or has its meaning been diluted through the relentless passing of time?

as most would know, the cross is a major, if not the most important, symbol in the christian religion. its the first thing that many associate with christianity and if you so adorn it, people more often than not assume that you are a believer of the faith. and many christians do wear their crosses with pride:) it certainly is interesting how a wretched tool of gruesome punishment has evolved into what it is today.

well..what am i actually blogging about? not too long ago, i realised that a non-christian classmate of mine had a thin leather 'necklace' round his neck, of which the pendent was a cross. i was surprised no doubt but didnt really think much of it. it was till i overheard a conversation he had with another friend..wouldnt elaborate on what transpired between them but it suffices to say that he saw the cross as a lucky charm of some sort. didnt say anything in horror/indignation then[guess i was speechless] but it got me thinking about the reason that so many christians wear the cross.

what exactly does the simple piece of shining metal symbolise? like implied earlier, many of us use it for the means of 'identification' amongst fellow believers. its almost as if that we use it to say that 'we belong to the club' sometimes.[dun misunderstand me, i am in no way saying that this is wrong per se, no offense k] or sometimes, we think that its our duty to wear it, as an outward sign that we believe in Jesus. perhaps so but are we missing the real point of this act?

as i thought more about this, i realised that the real reason that we should have on the cross is to make known our commitment to be like Christ and our willingness to identify with Him. what is the implications of this decision - that we are prepared to share in His suffering. there is to be no pride in this, but humility rather.

contrary to 'popular' belief, the cross was nothing to be proud of in the past. it was a cruel means by which prisoners of the strong roman empire were tortured till eventual death! a slow and agonising death. crosses were the epitome of shame, anguish and rejection. if i am not wrong, the 'damned'[literally!] prisoners were hung at the crossroads outside the citygates. basically, it meant an extremely public death that was brimming over with public mockery. the cross doesnt not have a very pretty or innocent past does it?

[i really do not mean to sound judgemental or' high-and-mighty' here] do all of us who carry the cross keep that in mind? many times i forget them. i forget that true significance of carrying the cross is to say that i seek to fully comprehend and remember the sacrifice that my saviour went through for me. and that i need to thank Him everyday for that abundant gift of grace. it is not merely a fashion accessory or lucky charm, or a means to be a better christian.

the cross is a symbol of love and painful sacrifice. a reminder that the creator cared that much[extend both hands as wide as possible] for His creation. a reassurance that no one is too unworthy to find eternal salvation. a neverending challenge to truely identify with the passion of Christ. a commitment to be a christian..and the list goes on..

never trivalise the significance and power of the cross. without it, eternal life with Christ would be non-existent.

-O Mighty Cross-

O Mighty Cross Love lifted high
The Lord of Life raised there to die
His Sacrifice on Calvary has made the mighty cross
A tree of life to me

O Mighty Cross what Throne of Grace
He knew no sin yet took my place
His Sacrifice on Calvary has made the mighty cross
A tree of life to me

O Mighty Cross O Christ so pure
Love held Him there such shame endured
His Sacrifice on Calvary has made the mighty cross
A tree of life to me

O Mighty Cross my soul's release!
The stripes He bore have brought me peace
His Sacrifice on Calvary has made the mighty cross
A tree of life to me

7:13 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, January 06, 2006

getting whatever-ed

a FOUR year old kid did that to me today!
kids these days grow up too fast
whatever

4:33 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Thursday, January 05, 2006

being known as 'teacher jane'

started work in the kindergarten today
and as said above i rather ceremoniously assumed the title of 'teacher'
to children of pre nursery age[2+ to 3+ yrs]

kinda enjoyed myself today:)
actually..i dun get to do any formal teaching per se
that is the 'real teachers' department and responsibilty
im more to help/organise the kids and bring back the straying ones

some of the kids are super cute:)
they dun speak very much but are oh so adorable
a selected few are clingy to their parents/grandparents/maids
and one child refused to participate in anything
but then again..thats not exactly my problem is it?
but according to the experienced ones..
the real trouble will start when parents have to stay out of the room

felt a little lost when i first went there
didnt really know what i had to do
or the pre-existing way of doing things
but the teachers i am assisting are really nice:)
actually all of them are a great bunch of pple
it was really amusing to watch 40+++[age] people goofing around during lunch:)

looking forward to tmr:)
p.s i need more clothes

3:59 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

goody good news

firstly..
i am now gamefully employed:)
as a teaching assistant in a nearby church kindergarten
not what i wanted initially but o well..
pay's not too good but guess its better than anything:)
anyway..i get to save on busfare and lunch money

secondly..
i am officially in the pink of health again:)
just got the results of my latest bloodtest
haemoglobin level at a very good 13.4
no more red meat overdoses or metallic testing iron pills:)
mom's constant worries can disappear too

so..
its celebration time!! YAY:)
and not to forget..
to thank my faithful Father:)

2:43 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Monday, January 02, 2006

everything is relative

it was a homecoming after something like 12 years
nothing much changed
actually everything looks the same as it once did
a trip down memory lane
right from the floor tiles to the aluminium sliding doors

the only difference..
everything seems much smaller
so much less imposing then i remembered them to be
maybe its because im so much bigger now
the work of relativity here

and the place im gushing over..
my kindergarten:)

3:48 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Sunday, January 01, 2006

reflecting on the past, anticipating the future

i know that the reflections bit is a wee bit late but i just that i didnt have time to sit down and blog properly the past few days. in any case, its better late than never right? and its not exactly a 'total' reflection cos there are just some things that are too personal to share here.

2005 saw me through many new and unprecedented challenges - OZ, the various school exams, serving in church[crosslink and youth], facing struggles head-on, slight health issues...yet i have to say that the year was good, in all sense of the word, and i truely thank God for His hand in everything.

*i am not touching on school stuff. did a reflection on that after grad day. if you want to look at it..go look for it then:)

church ministry - in terms of commitment, this year has been a busy one. i was in the crosslink com, WAIT team and OUT team. perhaps one thing that i learnt this year was to remain faithful in my service despite tough struggles and disagreements. it has been hard but by God's grace i pulled through the year and emerged a hopefully, better person. i thank God for the opportunity to be part of the biggest crosslink event that climaxed in the production of a great cd:) its so so so wonderful to see God's hand work in everything. the awesome fun of painting the wall in church was ubber nice too:)

family - i think God for the strong relationship bonds that exist in my family. granted we are like any typical chinese family most of the time but we know that each loves all the others very much:) life dealt my family with a rather difficult situation this year and i am proud to know that we stood by each other and trotted down the path as one. think that i can safely say that our faith in God and in each other increased following the event. as for my extended family on both sides, i can only humbly adknowledge God's providence and marvel at the strength of kinship and love.

friends - thank God for my ever faithful friends known as erica, samantha and bonnibel:) despite the fact that we chose to enter different jcs we managed to stay as a foursome and continue all that we always did. true, the friendships has been evolving along the way but it still counts that we are all in it together. love each of them so much. this year i made some 'unlikely' friendships and its certainly a wonder that we can get to be good friends:) o well..God sometimes works in mysterious ways:)

self - honestly speaking, 2005 was a year of many struggles, mostly in my christian walk. dealing with sin and doubts, breaking promises and falling into temptations. yet..despite all these, i think that God has allowed me to grow in Him. perhaps in a different way compared to the past 2 years before[2003 and 2004]. i know myself that in the course of the year i formed convictions and i pray that i would have the determination to carry them through, forever. one thing which i know that i really have to improve on is my rapidly shortening 'fuse'. many people have never seen the ugly side of me but my unfortunate younger siblings have been bearing the brunt of things. i really need to find a way to keep my disgusting temper in check.

-new year 'resolutions and hopes'-

>to devise any solutions to keep my mouth in check and prevent my tongue from spewing any hurtful/unnecessary words.

>to somehow get my lazy butt to do some regular exercise. i have been procastinating for far too long

>to read all the new christian books that i have. and i have 4 so far. dun think this will be too difficult cos i do devour books pretty fast. but the more important thing is to apply the things that i get for the books into my life.

>that my friendships made in jc can somehow be sustained in the new year. i know that it will be difficult but i want to try my best and do my part:) and of course to continue making new friends:)

>that i would accept whatever plans God has for me in 2006. many things are so uncertain now and i honestly dun know how things will turn out. but its my sincere hope that i will have enough faith to believe that God knows the best and enough humility to accept whatever happens. this applies to everything - next step of education, new ministry roles in church, and even in terms of relationships.

>to learn to love the world a little more and thank God more. i think its so easy to think that life sucks big time all the time and we never truely gives thanks for what blessings we have. lets start thanking God all the time:)

technically its jan 1st 2006 by almost 3 hours. like i said i really dun know what 2006 holds for me. come 3rd jan, i suspect that i would not even know where to place myself on the earth. suddenly eveything that used to define my life in singapore is not longer there. it certainly would take some getting used to. but i hope to find some work[anyone with options available?] and use my time wisely.

*thought this song would be a really apt ending to this entry. truely i dun know about tomorrow but i know who holds my hand and the one who feeds the sparrow is the one who stands by me.

-I dont know about tomorrow-

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

[Refrain]
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

*last words: do not worry [matt6:25-34]

1:26 AM
heaven in a wildflower