i am a flower quickly fading

Friday, July 29, 2005

reverent fear

have to lead youth worship this sunday on the above topic..still trying to figure out what this actually means in the first place..

reverent: feeling or showing profound respect or veneration
fear: extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power[ taken for the context of this only]
-taken from dictionary.com-

was thinking about this with regards to my faith and relationship with God. if i were to be brutally honest with myself and reflect on my walk with him, i have to admit that many times i have been disrespectful. how many times do i actually sit down to think about the majesty of God? not many, if any..

each time i pray i begin by asking God for something, or along those lines, instantly. i am ashamed to say that i treat Him more like a vending machine of some sorts. never do i spontaenously pray or worship Him for his very nature - one that is holy and awsome

do we forget who God really is in the first place? He is a perfect being, one who is immeasurable by any human standards. He is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. He knows the past, present and future. He sees into the deepest corners of our hearts. nothing can escape His knowledge no matter how we try to hide. He is capable of all things too. have we forgetten all these? much less worship Him in reverent fear.

the knowledge of God's wisdom and abilities never ceases to amaze me. even as i type..i marvel at this God in whom i place my trust. but does this admiration translate to reverence? it is my own prayer that i can learn to fear Him more and understand His true nature..not what i want Him to be but what He truely is. and may I learn to be more like Him in all my ways too

But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy.Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. 1 peter 1:15-17

7:36 PM
heaven in a wildflower

Monday, July 25, 2005

God is faithful

sunday's trip to pulau ubin was a blast:) so many things to thank God for:)

met sing ee, joshua, dennis, wen kai and wei wei at 845 to tie up the loose ends about everything and finalise the groupings too

at about 945 onwards people started to trickle in [thats late by the way]. was a rather pathetic amount at first..much like we expected actually. but soon, more and more pple started appearing ready for the event..pple whom we didnt know were coming at all. had to keep adding pple to the groups and shifting others around.. abit of a briefing by sing ee and we were on our way:)

changi jetty [it has changed so much!]: went on the first boat with 11 other pple. all of us tumbled in and the boat started backing out out for the journey there. and in the middle of whichever sea we were in, our boat got stopped by the police coast guard..yep im not faking it. 2 of them came on board and asked for our IDs.. gave my ez-link card. they went back to the nice air conditioned boat and left us floating/drifting on the sea..was pretty cool at first [ how many times does such a thing happen to you?] but things got a little boring after a while.. to make things worse, the boat was rocking badly and we were all kinda worried about it..coupled by the fact that the sky was rapidly turning overcast..sigh

it started drizzling..could see the raindrops making 'holes' in the water and the spurts of droplets that followed.. meanwhile we were cleared of being illegal immigrants and started for the island again..reached there safe and sound:)

and it started pouring heavily and the winds were like sooo strong..the raindrops were almost horizontal! yep it was that bad..so the 12 of us were stuck in the jetty shivering with the cold. not too good considering that some of us were sick to begin with.. spent a long time waiting and praying that the rain would go away.. joshua was saying that that was not enough time to play the games and we probably had to leave them till the next fun sunday..felt disappointed but have to accept it right?

at about 12..the rain started to lighten and the 12 of us decieded to troop onto the tiny island of pulau ubin and meet the others on their way back.. yup..i now that its crappy but after going all the way there and not setting foot on it is a bit sad lah.. best of all things..the rain finally stopped when we reached the jetty again:)thank God for that:) so all of us decied to go back and play some of the games that we planned:)

reached the bb court.. joshua carried out his game first.. a bit complicated but basically each team had to try and secure a cardboard box and well as they could with the various string/rope provided. after that, boxes were exchanged and they had to untie the box as quickly as possible..pity that one particular box did not survive the torture..
moved on to wei wei and my game:) had to improvise our game cos of the lack of time..gave everyone 1 or 2 pieces of paper with a letter of the alphabet and a body part written on it..after that wei wei went around writing that letter on that body part - like the paper says 'n' and nose, the letter 'n' would be written on the nose:) the results were hilarious! watching everyone getting into the strangest positions to form words was totally belly aching funny:) our brains were working on an overdrive trying to think of all the words to form and we threw them the ulitmate..to form the longest word..apparently it was royalties..thats 9 letters out of 14:) headed back to mainland after that and had lunch at changi itself before heading back to church. sat on the bus with crystal and we managed to talk quite abit too:)

sorry if i bored you with that endless recount of the day..glad you plodded through it though.. truely through the whole things God was so faithful to us:) he sent the pple who came to have fun and stopped the rain too.. love you Lord:) was glad that i had the opportunity to work with the 5 of them too esp wei wei :) may the subsequent fun sundays be even better and that more pple would decide that it is worthwhile going for..

*pics will be out soon*

11:54 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Friday, July 22, 2005

a potent mix of emotions

anger, disappointment, frustration, hopelessness
they well up in me
treatening to take control of my better senses
i sit tired, finding no meaning in everything

you asked if i were pissed with you
what could i say?
of course i was and still am
but what is the point anyway?

nothing i say can change your mind
no persuasion will alter your firm decision
to each his/her own
i admit i am sorely disappointed

i reel at the shock of everything
didnt expect things to be so bad
inside i weep and lash out
pouring forth words that i cannot tell

others tell me that numbers do not matter
i am sorry that i cannot be unaffected
perhaps cos of human pride
but i just do not understand

But I said, "I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the LORD's hand, and my reward is with my God." Isaiah 49:4
*clinging on the comfort of my King*

Oh Lord..thanking for not giving up on us
though you knew the hearts of your people
you still chose to walk down the guilty sod
you knew that they would reject you
and render your work on the cross worthless
what is my frustration compared to anguish you bore?
grant me a heart that looks to you only
remove all pride in me
as i live my life for your glory only

8:31 PM
heaven in a wildflower

only 2 out of a possible 10
why?

10:56 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Will i ever be matured enough?

it all started with this question during dinner : "Mummy will you allow us to read harry potter again?"

at that..my mom luanched into a whole verbose about how she would not allow that book into her house. the reasons that she gave included things like its not good for christians to read such books thus she does not feel comfortable with us reading it..

i see the perspective that she is coming from and i do understand it in a sense. yet i still feel a tinge of indignance at it..in that she totally did not give a valid reason for continuing in her ban of harry potter books [yep..she stopped us from reading a few years back] i do not question the core reason on which she bases her arguement on - cos the material focuses alot on witchcraft and soccery. i know that it is wrong to dabble in such things and i do reject them..

"honour you father and mother..." Exodus 20:12a

argh..its really hard to do it! thus far..i have indeed honoured her wishes/orders in not touching those books. even when the 5th book was out about 2 years back and pple brought it to school. i just dun understand why doesn't she think that we are old enough to handle the material of the book? as my sister said " we are already 17 and 18 years old.."to be honest..i think that we are intellectually able to read the book and not get swayed by it. after all i have read all of the 4 dan brown books..what could be worst than that?

yet..can i be 100% sure that spiritually speaking i am able to withstand the material? these influences come in subtle and 'beautifully packaged' ways that we may not be able to detect yet they get a hold on us [thats wat my mom claims that she is so worried about]. i cannot guarantee that i will be unaffected by these books..neither can i assure myself and everyone around that i am grounded strongly enough in God's word.
perhaps it is wiser not to try?

will i even be matured enough?

"Everything is permissible—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive."
1 Corinthians 10:23

7:51 PM
heaven in a wildflower

frustration-tainted hurt

i really don't know what to do anymore..
since the time that i invited you along with me i have hoped..
hoped that you would realise the importance of your involvment and share in my enthusiasm
yet..each time i have been dissappointed..
perhaps it was due to my own idealistic illusions
knowing your previous track record..
its no wonder that you are acting like this cos its you
yet..i have not and cannot come to terms with it
frustration sets in each time i fail to convince you
my mind expects it yet my heart hurts at your confirmation
at times i admit i don't understand you
i guess we have different piorities and driving forces which sadly do not coincide
i feel the strain it has put on us
a chasm that is so evident..pulling us apart each time
as i keep trying each time..i get more and more discouraged
i am afraid that i would stop trying one day

"Whatever you do,work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord and not for men, snce you will receive am inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving"
1 col 3:23-24

9:51 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Saturday, July 16, 2005

through a child's eyes

to learn about joy
hear a child's laughter

to learn about trust
see a child jump into his father's arms

to learn about exploration
witness a child's first steps

to learn about friendship
see a child lose to allow his friend to win

to learn about faith
listen to a child's prayers each night

to learn about the beauty of our world
see it through a child's eyes

just went for my cousin's birthday party today. quite obviously, it was a pretty grand affair and my aunt put alot of effort into the whole planning of it. yet..as i watched the little children play around i realised that its really not the place nor scale of it that matters to any of them - put all of them into a grubby sand pit and they would still have the same amount of fun :) the beauty of childhood *dreamy look* there is no room for the fear of losing/failure, no embarrassment and just about anything can charm a smile out of them

yet..as we grow up and experience more, we gradually lose this innocence that was once innate in us. we just get so jaded by everything around us..either we start to demand more and more or we take any apathetic attitude to anything. soon..nothing is quite worth our attention and we have this inherent need to criticise anything.

sadly to say..this attitude is translated even into our faith in God. as we grow up..we lose the childlike faith that we once had..exchanging it for a more cynical view of life. even for us who remain in the faith..we have more questions [dun get me wrong, its not a totally bad thing but where does the urge to question stem from?] and judgements to we impose on others. i see these in myself too and i struggle with it.. really need to try and find the balance between maturing in my knowledge of Christ while keeping a childlike faith in him..

as Jesus said : let all the little children come unto me
*hoping to be one of them*

10:55 PM
heaven in a wildflower

hmm..its just proves my point that no secret can be kept on the net for long..sigh
its been barely 2 days and my younger sis found out about it..and from a blog that i never knew that she visited at all [yep erica..it was from yours]
but then again..she will find out someday anyway..

in the meantime..why do you think the worst of me?
it happens all the time..
please realise that i know what is happening and i am fully aware of what needs to be done
your method of motivation totally does not work on me
trust that i know what to do..will you?

9:15 AM
heaven in a wildflower

Thursday, July 14, 2005

hmm..tpying my first blog entry..so cheesy man

anyway..for the longest time i have resisted getting a blog of my own. i always believed that [and still do by the way] that the very idea of a online diary is a paradox - putting up your deepest secrets on a space that knows no boundaries. who in the right mind does such a thing? [on offense to anyone out there though] especially stuff that you dun even feel comfortable telling other pple and neither is meant for their ears, or eyes for that matter, anyway. While i admit to enjoy reading blogs of other people..i cringe at the thought of them reading my life..

yep..so why did i decide to succumb to creating one myself now? i guess that a blog would allow me to communicate my thoughts to people in a more, perhaps, candid fashion. i am not going to make this site one that totally contains my life story since i do believe that those stuff are meant for the pen and paper diary anytime. but rather this is going to store the muses, memories and mumurs of my heart. yep..so expect a mix of genres in the stuff that i post..not just how my boring day went [though i may whine once in a while]

even as i join the ever increasing community of bloggers, i want to use this avenue to share Christ with everyone around me..it is true that i find it difficult to be bold and share my faith with my friends verbally so why not use this? i guess this may put off some of them but i still want to do it..cos i want to preach Christ to the ends of the earth :)

yep..till the next time..

1:04 PM
heaven in a wildflower